Let’s Pretend It’s 2019 Again
As stunning as it may seem, we all really want the same thing in life. We just don’t realize we do. Now it seems as though everyone is stuck.
Something very unique happened to our country and our culture in 2020. Let’s not debate what happened or how. If you started arming-up, keyboard warrior, stand down. I’m here to talk about what it did to us all. Psychologically. Socially. Spiritually. Culturally.
The only comparison I can think of is 9/11 which was an event so immense it shifted the psyche of a generation and was never really recognized for the psychological disaster that it was. That was the first time slaughter played out, day after day for months, on our televisions. Children sat in classrooms and watched jumpers on repeat. People watched planes strike buildings and knew immediately what happened to those on board and in the buildings. This isn’t about conspiracy theories or picking sides. It’s about America now. Our brains now. The aftermath of unrecognized trauma now. (I may have written a book about it: It Started With a Helmet)
We, as humans, are starved for human connection. Yet we turn to the internet where we consume curated images of beautiful lives but miss the truth behind them. Gorgeous homes and fancy cars, many of which aren’t paid for. You don’t see the dying family members, the cheating spouses or the credit card debt that haunts people at night. Many of the photos of friends are filtered, free of imperfections like pimples and age spots.
We’ve lost the social scaffolding that used to shape us. It isn’t criticism, it just is. People treat each other with cruelty and disregard now. Many hospitality workers wear “funeral faces” as a standard look. RBF is permanent and the youth are nearly expressionless, staring at devices all day. Many grew up inside a bubble of isolation and never developed the skills to connect and communicate. They don’t even realize they’re missing them because this has just become a way of life.
So here’s my challenge to you: Wake up tomorrow and pretend it’s 2019.
If you have kids, friends or work colleagues, talk to them about it. Say: Back in 2019, when someone handed you something, you said thank you. Or, when you saw your neighbor outside, you waved, smiled or said hello. This is what it was like before the big C. Before the fear, before the distance, before the gloves and masks and remote work. I’ve struggled with this myself, honestly. I actually make an effort to go out or meet friends. Heck, Jacque just gave me a throw pillow with the words “lover of canceled plans” written on it.
I am consciously trying to make an effort now, though. Saturday, I met a new friend at breakfast. When we hugged goodbye I appreciated that she wanted to pretend it was 2019 too. I asked her if she’d ever listened to or read John Delony’s books. There’s one chapter where he and his wife invite their neighbors over and officially ask them, “Will you be our friends?” Not just friendly but actual friends. The kind you call at 2:00 a.m. when your kid is sick and you need someone to sit with the other kids or even to drive you to an emergency room. It was awkward, sure, but powerful.
This year, more than any other, I’ve realized how desperately we need those kinds of friends. When I needed people most, I was facing grief after major medical challenges, a few friends stepped out. Completely. Yes, I’ve had a couple of medically needy years. I know that. But sometimes we don’t get to control when we’re needy. Sometimes life just breaks us down and that’s when we need kindness, not distance. Presence not judgment.
I left that breakfast and immediately went to show property in Verdana Village. We were looking at new construction and the buyers had lived in Southwest Florida before. They explained that they didn’t feel the neighborhood we were looking at, which is newer, was as friendly as their last neighborhood. I said you lived here before 2019 and your neighborhood was friendlier, but the neighborhoods aren’t different. America is different. I watched the light bulb come on over their heads. We really had a constructive healthy conversation about the differences we see between then and now and we agreed that the scale of measurement has changed.
There really isn’t much of a point to this story except I thought I would simply say it out loud. Your life is wildly different since 2019 and you may not be aware of it. Maybe think about it for a bit. You might need to actively find your two AM friends or just new friends because you have a broken friend picker. You might have to be purposefully social and be kind or be bold enough to ask someone if they want to grab breakfast or to be your two AM friend.
That's all.
On second thought, I should add this in case someone is looking for ideas on how to make friends: