So, What’s Your Tenant Up To These Days?

If Charlie Rich was a real estate agent he would have totally written something different about what goes on behind closed doors.

Most home owners run a decent household with some form of predictable lifestyle behind the closed doors but every once in a while there is a surprise. It’s getting harder and harder to surprise some real estate agents just because we’ve seen a lot the last few years. When the proverbial crap hit the fan in the real estate market, human beings removed their filters and just lived the way they wanted to live or turned their emotions loose on their home.

There are four “I don’t need this to happen to me” scenarios in real estate: Guns, security systems, aggressive breed dogs and naked people. I’m at the point where I’m just one naked person away from real estate bingo. I almost bingo’d the other day but realized what I was walking in on, turned on heal and saved my eyes from a thorough scrubbing with Clorox.

Sometimes it’s just an average day, like any other day and you just don’t realize you’ve crossed the threshold to hell. Some home owner has blindly decided to lease their house and they have no clue what is going on inside. In the case of this cute little home in a deed restricted, gated community, it happened to be Animal House going on inside. But it was a screwed up version of Animal House with no running water or air conditioning … as in the unit wasn’t even in the closet anymore.

There wasn’t a car in the driveway. The front door was unlocked; we rang the bell and walked in. There was not a stick of furniture in sight. We turned the corner into the kitchen, complete with brand new cherry cabinets, granite counter tops and stainless steel appliances, and were greeted by hundreds of beer cans lining the counters. It was hoarders, the beer can edition.

Second to a house I once showed on Fort Myers Beach that had three items of personal property in it, a mattress, a freshly baked quiche on the counter and a hookah on the back porch, this home was a memory in the making. It wasn’t until we were looked in a bathroom upstairs, complete with emergency water cans so they could shower (assuming they showered) or flush the toilet that we realized that there wasn’t running water.

Naturally, every door was closed so that whole pit bull, guns, “it puts the lotion on its skin” theory was running around in my thoughts. The last door I opened actually had a window air conditioning unit running in it and that’s where the near-bingo incident occurred. I informed the buyers that they were welcome to continue on but I had already seen an uncomfortable amount of sleeping and/or passed out, unclothed flesh and it just wasn’t my day to make agent of the year.

Where’s Monty Hall when you need him? Behind those doors should be prizes like cash or cars, not a visual imprint which will be stuck as the last memory on my loop when I’m a little old lady or one of the last things I see when my life flashes before my eyes at the end.

Sometimes it’s a tour of treats out there. Second to the eight foot tall grandfather clock built totally out of Heineken cans I saw a few years ago, this collection was a masterpiece aluminum collection and goes directly onto my photo hard drive filed under “diaries of a mad man”, subcategorized “life within 5 miles of a college campus” and tagged “code enforcement” and “clueless landlord”.


Real Life in Bonita Springs is a project by Chris Griffith dedicated to writing useful blog posts for consumers about the Bonita Springs, Florida area.  Find out what it is really like to live in Bonita Springs, Florida by reading about our fair city. You’ll get the latest in local real estate information, Bonita Springs real estate market reports and a little bit of humor.  If you have topic ideas, feel free to request a story about the idea, after all, this site is just for you.

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